This Very Present Moment

(This is a repost from my private blog...)

So I got seriously off-track on my goals lately as I went through some hard stuff, and teetered on the edge of depression.  I started really feeling like life was hopeless again... and I've been longing to know that happiness I knew a little while ago.

I actually gained back some of the weight I've lost.  The lowest I got was 241: a 52 lb weight loss!  But after I crashed... I got back up to  264.  Since I kicked it back into gear, I'm at 258 now.  That takes my total down to 35 lbs lost.

But I refuse to give up.  I have this moment, right now, to change my life.  And I'm doing it.

Today... is New Year's Eve and tomorrow is 2012.  And it's time for renewal. Time to let 2011... and every year before it... wash out with the tide. 

I've been watching The Biggest Loser a lot lately for inspiration.  I even wrote to one of the past contestants recently when I was feeling totally down and broken.  And she wrote back!  I wrote to Tara, this rock-solid woman from season 7 who is seriously amazing.  I swear there is nothing she can't do... Recently, she even completed an iron man!  And she started out at 294.  That's one pound heavier than my starting weight, so why can't I do it, too? Check out her transformation.

Here is what Tara had to say to me:

Hey Angela!

First off, I wanted to say congratulations on the weight you have already lost! Take time and realize how big of a change you have made! Over 30 pounds is huge so be proud of yourself for that! I know how you feel as I felt the exact same way at one point. The best thing to do is think about why you want to make the change and reflect. A lifestyle change that is created to last involves changing on the inside as well as the outside. After that, you have to believe in yourself Angela! Think about how you felt, how proud you were when you initially lost 10 or 20 pounds! It is that feeling that you have to carry with you at all times to overcome that temptation. And like all exercise, the hardest step is the one out the front door! You got this Angela! Take it one day at a time. I believe in you!

Be Well,

Tara =)

I couldn't believe she wrote back... that was awesome!  I feel so much less alone when I watch The Biggest Loser.  And yesterday, I watched an episode (Season 8, Episode 9) where Jillian Michaels was training a contestant (Rebecca) who was having a breakdown.  She said the most beautiful thing, and it just really spoke to me.  I put it on this awesome pic of her with her horse because I really dig the braids in her horse's mane (shhhh.... don't tell Carolyn!)

        (pic is from from her facebook: https://www.facebook.com/jillianmichaels)

That's what it takes.  Knowing that right now IS all that I have, and treasuring this holy moment.  What could be more real?  I can't keep crying over yesterday... or waiting for tomorrow for my life to start.  I have to give myself everything that I possibly can.  Right now. Not tomorrow.

So, one other thing.... I wish I had taken full-body "before" pics back when I was 293 lbs, but I didn't because I didn't believe I would ever lose a significant amount of weight. So, I took some now at 258.  At least I'll have some idea of how far I've come...

Here are some pics (though not full body "before" pics) of me at 293

For comparison, here's just my face at my lowest weight: 241.

And here is me now at 258...

There will be MORE TO COME!!!

Unlike a lot of people who say they make resolutions every year that they don't follow, I've actually always been afraid of making them, because I knew I'd let myself down.  Not this year. I'm making a New Year's resolution, and for the first time I'm putting a number on it.  I'm making a concrete goal.


By January 1, 2013... regardless of the ups and downs that happen between now and then... I will weigh 170 lbs. or less.  Watch me.


I'm going to do it today.